To Heaven and Back Again: Wrestling with God

Seeing Jesus wasn’t as… easy… as I thought it would be. It took me three days to be able to speak about it without sobbing. (Click Here for that story) Even so, the emotion of the encounter kept my eyes overflowing as I recounted the event to Mom. You would think this personal appearance and emotional connection would have placated my desire to learn from Him in Heaven, but it had quite the opposite effect.

Throughout the week I kept thinking of all the people who worshiped Him just the way I did, yet, did He appear to them? Mom, sisters, friends… All wanted to encounter Him. Why didn’t He appear to more people?

My husband slept quietly beside me. Exhaustion tugged at me, yet I couldn’t sleep. “Lord, for years Tony has asked for a single word from you – it would mean so much to him, yet You remain silent.” Emotion begins to swell from somewhere deep inside. My thought become an anguished cry, “Why do you remain silent when a single word from you would mean so much to so many! You have given me so much and others so little…WHY?”

I listed each of the answers that people had given me when I had asked why God speaks to some and not to others:

Ø It would eliminate the need for faith.

Ø He can’t because of our sin.

Ø He speaks when it is necessary.

Ø It would violate our free will.

As I mentioned each one I gave Bible stories and verses that showed why none of these applied to what I knew of Him from His word. Consumed with anguish for all those who seek Him, I declared, “I cannot work for a God I do not know. You must tell me why a good and kind God doesn’t talk to creation or I cannot go on working for you!”

What I heard next I cannot call the soft voice of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t so much a voice as it was memories and information bubbling up from my mind. Each piece came in the order it was needed to form a complex answer to the question I had asked.

After the first piece of information was fully formed I rolled over, so tired I knew I couldn’t keep my eyes open. More information came forth, connecting to the previous batch. I sighed with relief when it was complete and rolled over to get some sleep. Again information rose from deep inside my mind. This process kept up until 4 AM.

A knowing formed inside me: this was a book I needed to write. I accepted the job knowing I could crank it out in a month or so. Then the Holy Spirit spoke in a not so quiet, firm voice, “How much are you willing to hear from me? To receive from me?”

Like a shot of coffee straight to my bloodstream, I was wide awake, “You have given me glimpses of the price I may have to pay, and I am now ready and willing. I give it all to you...should the price be my very life.” As melodramatic as it now sounds to my ears, I meant every word.

He continued, “Then implement the revelation I gave to you when I revealed why John was taken back in time to old Jerusalem.”

“I am God, aren’t I?” I asked. “Ever since You spoke to me about going to Heaven, I am putting your revelations on my website for free. And I will never charge for a prayer or an appearance.”

The Holy Spirit persisted, “But you are charging for your books.”

The words caused a mild panic. I couldn’t stop my thoughts, “They are my biographies... Everyone charges for a composed biography. And, I paid thousands of dollars for a top-of-the-line edit on those, not to mention having the covers designed. Surely I am able to charge for the final polished project I invested money and years of time creating.”

He asked, “What makes these books worth buying? Why do you have a product to sell?”

I knew better than to say, “Because I am able to write in a way that seems to appeal to some people.” The word tells us that He knew us before we were formed in the womb; He designed me with the gift to write. Instead I thought, “Because I have had an interesting journey that may help others.”

Gently He prodded, “And what did you do to deserve those ‘interesting’ experiences?”

A part of me wanted to say “I fell in love with Jesus with my whole heart.” But I know many people who love Him as I do and they haven’t been blessed with some of wonderful experiences I have been given. My soul sighed as I was forced to admit, “Nothing. I am no one. I abandoned You. And You chose to reveal who You are to me. I messed up time and time again, and You sent miracle after miracle to encourage me... These books wouldn’t exist without You.”

A Bible verse sprang to mind:

“Freely you have received; freely give.” (Matt. 10:8 NIV)

Peace, so strong it was undeniable, welled up deep inside me confirming I was on the right track. My free will reasserted itself. Despite the hours of deep revelation God had just brought to me, petulant, whiny thoughts burst forth, “But all the big evangelists and even smaller pastors have made millions, if not billions, off of their books! Why did you have to reveal this to me? Why do I have to be the one to do it for free?”

“To whom much is given, much is required. You now know the fullness of your calling. You cannot give the enemy a place from which to attack you.”

Vividly, the words I had said less than an hour ago come to my mind: I had said I would do anything He asked. Another soul-sigh, “I put my faith in You to provide. As soon as I can write this up and upload the revised book, they are all yours.”

This is why all books associated with “God stuff” are now free. The printed version is FREE (including shipping) on my website. I will offer printed copies at all appearances absolutely FREE. As I began adding these to the end of my books God expanded the correction. The following paragraphs took me days to write. I would ask Him each night if it was enough and He would add more:

WARNING: To all ministers, evangelist, apostles, prophets, and teachers, two words from God for you:

First: John, the aforementioned man who was used mightily by God, was taken to Heaven twice. On the second visit, he was placed in a room with four rows of seats, stacked one above the next. Religious leaders who were household names filed in and sat in the third row. The row below it was filled with a couple of people whom John recognized from the religious arena. The bottom row was filled with completely unknown individuals, while the top row remained completely empty. The person escorting him said, “During the outpouring, many in the third row will be removed from the ministry and some even from the Earth, and some will barely survive. The top row is the place that has been unfilled since the time of the disciples in the Book of Acts. People in the bottom row will vault over the other rows to fill many of these seats. Some will be filled by people not yet seated.”

Second: A famous television evangelist who specializes in prophecy, who predicted that Bush would be president two years before it was announced he would run for office, had a series of dreams. He was unable to interpret these dreams. As with John, when hearing him recount dreams, the meaning was so clear it was hard to believe he didn’t know what they meant. Each of the dreams featured a tsunami hitting America. This is the dream that applies to religious leaders:
The dream: This man was in the home of a well-known preacher in Baltimore. Water began flooding into the house. He grabbed water and food and headed up to the second story, but the water didn’t stop. He searched for an attic or crawl space as he woke from the dream.

Interpretation: Baltimore was once the temporary location for the United States government between 1776-1777. A few things to note; He was in the home of a well-known religious leader who didn’t see the flood coming and scrambled to survive. I believe this indicates that many long-standing, once dominating religions, will be nearly wiped out as they scramble to survive during the outpouring of glory.
These interpretations are gifts from God, which the Holy Spirit brought. When coupled with the female television evangelist’s prophecy and John’s death, the meaning is unmistakable. Please do not be one of those who are removed or whose ministry barely survives.
My books and what God does with them are a warning shot across your bow: it is time to come up to a new level of faith and trust in God. If you do not have the faith necessary to give all the insight, all the knowledge, all the experiences God has given you away for free and trust Him to take care of the cost of being on TV, then step back until you do.
The disciples didn’t charge for a single word they said, written or otherwise. They trusted in God and so should you. People do not need to give you a seed of __blank__ amount to receive their breakthrough. Give them the information and trust God to tell them what to send. Stand back and be amazed that they will send exactly what God told you they would. This is the way it should be done.

One of the differences between the gift of prophecy and being called as a prophet is that the gift is used to edify and build up. A prophet often brings correction when people have stopped doing things God’s way. This is the not so fun part of my new job.

The next thing God did was bring me the rest of Bible verses I need to help correct the situation with His people. Yes, preachers are doing it wrong, they are conformed to the world system, taking their money up front. But God’s people who are receiving instructions and help have a part to play as well.

If we have sown [the seed of] spiritual good among you, [is it too] much if we reap from your material benefits?... [On the same principle] the Lord directed that those who publish the good news (the Gospel) should live (get their maintenance) by the Gospel. (Corinthians 9:11 & 14 AMPC)

Let him who receives instruction in the Word [of God] share all good things with his teacher [contributing to his support]. Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap. (Galatians 6:6 AMPC)

This is the correct order that God shows us in His word. First, we give what God has revealed to us freely then we wait for God to speak to those who have received it. What people decide to give is a matter between God and the person who has received and is completely in their hands. What is going on now is backward: we give for a price, collecting before we even know if what we have given has helped others.

People are expected to pray and ask God what they should give in return only if they have received spiritual insight, information you didn’t have before, peace, hope, or encouragement.

Notice the warning at the end of the second verse. If you receive from God and don’t respond according to His way of doing things, you won’t benefit from what you are learning. This was so ingrained in God’s people that a group of Christians asked Paul not to come and speak to them because they didn’t want to have to give him an offering for his teaching. (2 Corinthians chapters 11 & 12)

Being a prophet is not quite as fun as I hoped. Sometimes is it exciting, sometimes it is hard. Through it all I continually find that God has an amazing sense of humor. Now I am a publisher who is giving away books for free. It took some time, but I am finally okay with that. It isn’t the reader I have faith in to respond and provide for the next batch of books, but God who is able to do all things.

October 2016

My family readied itself for Christmas. "I texted you my Christmas list," I told my husband.

He looked at his phone. "There's only one thing in the message?" he asked.

"Yes," I smiled, "It is that really expensive coffee maker - it does everything: you just have to put in fresh whole beans! I've been looking for one like this for years..."

In the meantime, I asked God to let me know when I the matter of being free done right. As I prayed, I hoped it would be something big like someone sending $1000 to the paypal account God had me list in the back of my books. "That would speak volumes to Tony about what God can do!" I thought.

Throughout October I took one small step after another. First the ebooks were free but oversees Amazon still charged 99 cents for them and the printed books were listed at Amazon for the lowest cost allowed. During my prayer time the Holy Spirit told me that this wasn't good enough so I took the printed copies off of Amazon and had listed them for free on my website. Every time I was attending to the ebooks on Amazon the small voice of the Holy Spirit would point out that I was still charging for them there. "I'm sure God wants these books oversees too... I'm sure I can figure out how to make that happen," I thought.

As I worked on complying with God's instructions December got closer and closer. I took a hard look at our family budget. "Honey," I told my husband, "this summer God gave us this great house: It is perfect for us and I adore it. But the longer commute to and from work has got our budget all out of whack. I think you had better forget that Christmas list I sent you. Just have the girls pick out a couple of coffee mugs so I have something to open on Christmas morning."

November 30, 2016

After weeks of trying, I still couldn't get the oversees Amazon to price-match the books and make them free. The urging I'd felt became stronger and stronger until it couldn't be denied. "I repent Holy Spirit," I heaved a sigh as I pulled the ebooks from distribution on Amazon. "I'm sorry it took me so long to see it was You speaking to me."

Later that night my husband came to bed and asked, "Do you know someone named Lisa Biggs?"

I wracked my brain, "I don't think I know a single woman named Lisa. Why do you ask?"

"She just sent $1000 to your paypal account." Lisa had send a message to my Facebook page, "The Holy Spirit said to ask you, "What's on your LIST?"

Tears flooded down my cheeks as I read those words. I knew instantly what "list" He was talking about. Not only did God confirm that having the books completely FREE everywhere was His way, but He did it as I had hoped even though I hadn't asked for it. What caused the tears was that the Lord wanted me to have the gift I wanted on the day we celebrate His birth. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, He gave me a Christmas present!